Michael Jackson: ‘I don’t like pop music’

And his enthusiasm rubs off on his crappy music.

How to Help a Retard get home for Thanksgiving

"The trip should have been short - only 15 minutes from the city to her home. But something went awry. Somehow, Woodman made a wrong turn and ended up on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. She traveled all night before she found herself 250 miles from home, frightened, exhausted and almost out of fuel."

Readers find bong ignorance hard to inhale

"In your column you said, "I had no idea what a `bong' is." Then you said you finally found a definition on the Internet. All I can say is, "Who you crappin'?" Frank M., River Forest"

3-D movies still jump out of the screen

"The film screening that night in late November 1952 was "Bwana Devil," a no-brain melodrama about rampaging lions preying on railroad builders. It might have been relegated to the lower half of double bills except that it was the first feature film ever shown in 3-D."

Bush to announce plan for smallpox vaccinations

"Live by the needle, die by the needle. I am very worried about these smallpox shots. The US Government seems to have magical foreknowledge that out of all the various bio-weapons we are assured are held by those who hate the US, that Smallpox and ONLY Smallpox is the threat. And the US Government is so certain that Smallpox is going to be unleashed by, um, well, "someone", that they are willing to force vaccinations onto the population under threat of force, even knowing ahead of time (as proven by the provisions of the Homeland Security Bill) that the vaccinations are going to kill some people."

- from Whatreallyhappened.com

First Step in getting rid of free e-mail

"The technology, called "electronic postmarks," will not necessarily end the era of free e-mail. But it does create a "first class" version with a small delivery charge."

- What a load of crap. It's the first step in trying to make money off email - plain and simple.

Turducken

"TURDUCKEN (A CHICKEN IN A DUCK IN A TURKEY)"

When I grow up

Funny parody of the "When I Grow up" commercials.

Whitesnake Reunion

"I am not trying to recreate anything, or anybody's style with the musicians I will be working with in the new band," Coverdale said. "I feel it would be most unfair for me to invite a player into WHITESNAKE and then ask him to emulate or perform like someone else..."

TV ad banned for mocking Bush

"...it was banning a commercial for an animated comedy series because it pokes fun at President Bush.

The Broadcast Advertising Clearance Center said the ad, which depicts a cartoon Bush inserting a DVD into a toaster, could only be shown if the makers sought the president's permission first.

- Must be a new Reality Show!

Sperm Facts

"The average sperm count fell from 113 million sperm/ml of semen in 1940 to 66 million/ml in 1990. The volume of a single ejaculate has declined from 3.40 ml to 2.75 ml. This means that men on average are now ejaculating less than half the number of sperm as men did 50 yrs ago."

Two (sperm) heads better than one

"In the all-for-one push, the sperm start teaming up a minute or two after ejaculation, using a hook on their microscopic heads to link together. Within half an hour, the train begins to uncouple, disengaging so the act of procreation can proceed, with many of the sperm triggering a reaction in their heads — usually used to bore into the egg — that blows their own chances at fertilization."

Semen: The man, the myth, the legend

"Some spit, some swallow, some even use it as hair gel, but what really is the best thing to do with the tapioca pudding?"

Man, 28, catches fire in dispute over dog

"A 28-year-old man suffered serious burns to most of his body after apparently setting himself on fire during an argument over his dog, officials said."

Life Is Confusing For Two-Headed Snakes

"Just watching them feed, often fighting over which head will swallow the prey, shows that feeding takes a good deal of time, during which they would be highly vulnerable to predators," said Burghardt. "They also have a great deal of difficulty deciding which direction to go, and if they had to respond to an attack quickly they would just not be capable of it."

WOMAN, PETS SAID TO BE DECAPITATED IN HOME

"A San Jose teenager allegedly beheaded his mother and mutilated family pets inside their San Jose house Monday before calling 911 to confess the crime, sources said."

Blair Witch 3 (2003)

Did anyone even see the second one?